Pants 0. Shit 1.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
