this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
