It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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