my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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