I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
