i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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