he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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