Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
