nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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