allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
