Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You ruined the universe
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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