dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My ATM looks so different sober.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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