Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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