so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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