I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
