question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
