Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
