I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
