just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
