Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
