Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
