Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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