At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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