Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
