i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
