I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
