i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
