I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
