i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
