my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
