Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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