My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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