The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
