Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
