Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
