She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
