i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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