Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
