I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
