24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Never underestimate the power of titties
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
