If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
