i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
