chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
