i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
