I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
