i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
