some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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