One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
