how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
