Your mouth is God's brothel.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
